


Cowboy Like Me

by Wayward_Winchester



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Ending, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arguing, Better than the finale, Bi Dean, Bisexual, Comfort, Coming Out, Cuddling, Destiel - Freeform, Destiel December 2020 (Supernatural), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fix-It, Flahsbacks, Found Family, Happy Ending, John Winchester Abuses Dean Winchester, M/M, Soft Castiel/Dean Winchester, Soft Dean Winchester, Trauma, Work In Progress, cowboy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-17 06:35:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 9,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28720602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wayward_Winchester/pseuds/Wayward_Winchester
Summary: Fix it fic! This fic takes place after season 15 episode 19. (We act like episode 20 never happened) In this fic, Jack brought Cas back to life after becoming god.You'd think after saving the world everything would be flowers and sunshine, and for a moment it was. Cas and Dean spent a few weeks together in the bunker. They didnt put a label on it, they just existed in the moment. An upsetting night out at the bar together upsets Cas and causes Dean to spiral. An argument arises and drives a wedge between Dean and Cas. Dean struggles with his trauma resurfacing while he's alone in the bunker, Cas in the wind.This is very focused on Destiel but there is a few small scenes of Eileen/Sam because they deserve their happy ending.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester
Comments: 3
Kudos: 60





	1. The Time Traveler's Wife

**Author's Note:**

> CW- Child abuse/ Violence / Homophobia - John Winchester to Dean Winchester.  
> This fic is in progress as of 1/12/2021 (Basically im saying yes i will be updating and will finish this)  
> Beginning will be painful but the end is worth it. Will make you feel better than the finale.

Cas was only gone for a day when Sam said that he and Eileen were going on a trip. They needed alone time, and Sam thought Dean and Cas could use the same. When Sam noticed Cas was gone, he asked Dean if everything was okay. Dean, of course lied through his teeth and said Cas was spending a few days in heaven with Jack. In reality, Dean and Cas had just finished a screaming match which ended with Cas leaving without a warning. Sam mistakenly believed Dean’s lie and left Dean alone in the bunker.   
On day two of being alone, Dean considered going to the bar for a moment, only to remember what happened last time he was at a bar. He knew he would only think about Cas if he went back to the same bar. He came to the decision to just run to the liquor store, grabbing 2 more bottles that he didn’t need. The man behind him in line wore a tan trench coat. Dean was aware he stared at him for just a moment too long. After seeing the man in the trench coat all Dean could think about was where Cas had run too.   
It wasn’t until noon, that Dean finally got out of bed on day three. By 4pm Dean found himself watching The Time Traveler’s Wife. He never enjoyed it before but it was Cas’ favorite. This was the first time he watched it with focus, every time before he spent the movie watching Cas’ face. The intrigue and focus in which Cas displayed while watching his favorite films always entertained Dean more than an actual movie.   
It was nearing 10pm of day four when Dean found himself alone, again. Drinking. Again. He glanced around, painfully aware of how empty the table was. Three beers in? No possibly four, hell it could’ve even been five, Dean certainly wasn’t counting, and no one was there to count for him. His impossibly high alcohol tolerance meant that odd sum of beers barely touched him. He could still feel the pain. The guilt. How much would it take to drown it out?   
Dean could still see Cas’ face, drenched in heart break. Dean had been so harsh to him, all because of the hate he had for himself. He wished he could take words back, get another chance. He would pull him close and never let go. With a shaky hand, Dean reached into his pocket, pulling out a small photo.   
He studied it with his entire heart. Cas’ messy shirt and slightly twisted tie, Cas’ face wrinkled in that consistent confused expression that Dean loved. Dean wished he could reach through the photo and fix his tie, instead he gently rubbed his thumb across the photo. The edges of the photograph had begun wrinkling from how frequently he did this. Cas was wearing the pale cowboy hat Dean had picked out for him. At the time, Cas really didn’t understand why Dean would want a photo, he thought it was impossible that Dean was looking at him in, that way.


	2. Brokeback Mountain

For the first few days after leaving the bunker, Cas wandered, not really knowing where to go, just knowing he couldn’t go home. At one point in Cas’ life, he considered heaven to be home, but it felt nothing like the bunker. The bunker felt safe, warm, even peaceful. Heaven… Heaven felt like a post, an assignment. Duty, Honor, Purpose. Lies. Despite everything Cas still missed Heaven when he thought about it for too long. He knew it was no longer home, and never would be. Was it even the bunker that felt like home? Is home a place?   
It had been three days since Cas left the bunker when he found himself by a large flowing river. The rain had just stopped a few hours prior, filling the river up to the very edge. There was a large fallen tree on the edge of the river. Cas sat on it carelessly ignoring the coat of mud attached to the bark. The sky was grey with overcast and a slight breeze was pushing through the humid air. Cas watched as the dark clouds floated away in the distance. They slowly revealed a baby blue sky. A hazy fragmented rainbow sat over the horizon of the river. Cas took in its beauty. Before he knew it, he had spent more than three hours watching the river.   
…  
By day four, Cas had grown tired of aimlessly wandering, stuck in his thoughts. He could only think of one other place that felt like it would feel similar to the bunker, Jody’s house. The last Jody heard from the boys was that they were all doing good and spending some time in the bunker after everything that went down. After all, they deserved a break after defeating god. Jody still wasn’t sure how to feel about that, god? Being the ultimate villain? When the boys tried to explain it all to her she declined, she preferred ignorance in this case.   
Cas showed up at her door, slightly muddy from the time spent by a river, looking more defeated than a once a soldier of heaven should ever look. Jody attempted to mask her worry and pulled Cas into a hug, knowing he wasn’t quite ready to talk.   
“Cas!” Jody exclaimed with her hug “Claire isn’t home yet but I can tell her you’re here and she might hurry it up”  
“That would be nice” Cas said in a flat tone “That isn’t why I’m here though”   
“Oh?” Jody slightly inquired, head tilted and crossing her arms.  
Cas’ head hung low and he avoided her persistent attempts at eye contact. His eyes darted back and forth, pointed to the ground. Despite existing for eons, Cas still struggled to form simple conversations.  
“Could I stay here?” Cas said with a voice full of shame.  
“Oh, uhm yes of course Cas, is… everything alright?” Jody answered softly hoping not to scare him off, he shouldn’t be alone.  
“Uhm yes.. yes” Cas paused slightly, clearly coming up with a lie to prevent her from questioning further “I’m just… passing through” Jody held open the door and motioned Cas further into the house, closing the door behind him.   
His lies did no convincing but Jody accepted them. “You hungry?” Jody replied realizing the need to change the conversation.  
“Oh uhm I don’t- uh” Cas stumbled out, nervously itching the back of his scalp.  
“oh shit sorry, I always forget” Jody laughed awkwardly, she’d never get used to someone who doesn’t eat, drink, or sleep. She wasn’t sure how to care for Cas, when Claire was upset she’d make her a Tuna Casserole. It was no one’s favorite dinner except Claire. Jody never understood why she loved it so much, after all it was canned tuna, canned cream of chicken soup, noodles and pre shredded cheese. It was an okay dinner to most people, but to Claire it was the ultimate comfort food. When Alex had a rough day, all it took was a movie, hot chocolate and an extra comfy bed. But how on earth do you comfort an angel who was alive to see movies invented? Hell, we was alive when chocolate was invented too.   
Jody was lost in her thoughts for a moment, not realizing Cas had quickly made himself at home on the couch. He was soon wrapped in a pale pink yarn blanket that had been hanging off the couch. Although Cas had sat on many couches, the way he adjusted made it appear as if it was in fact his first time truly trying to be comfortable on a couch. He reminded Jody of a dog spinning in circles before laying down, clearly frustrated that the couch wasn’t exactly the way they wanted it. Pulling the blanket around his shoulders, he took a moment to rub the perfectly soft yarn between his fingers.   
“Alright” Jody muttered to herself attempting to prepare herself to deal with whatever this was. She sat on the recliner adjacent to Cas’ spot on the couch. She glanced at him as she sat down. Cas had already developed a deep focus into the TV. He hadn’t thought of Jody as a cooking channel type of person but the longer he watched the more he understood the attraction. Even though he didn’t eat, he could appreciate the effort going into the preparation. He came to the realization that this was in fact an art form.   
Jody observed him from her spot, he didn’t seem to notice her staring. He was sitting with legs crossed, shoes dirtying the couch. Every time the chef on the TV got to a new step, he tilted his head, intensely curious on where it would go next.  
“You can change it if you’d like” Jody politely suggested, not knowing if his confusion was enjoyment or disgust. She motioned slightly to the remote sitting on the dark wooden coffee table that sat in front of Cas.   
To uncomfortable to say he was enjoying this elderly woman’s chicken parm recipe, Cas reached for the remote. He studied it in his hand for a moment, investigating the 30 some buttons. Holding out one straight finger, Cas pushed very forcefully on the guide button. It wasn’t like Cas had never watched TV, but he had usually relied on Dean to pick the movie and operate the TV. He didn’t know what to do with the seemingly endless list of options that appeared on the TV. In the past, in motels, he would channel surf, hoping Dean would tell him when to stop on something.   
Not more than 15 minutes had passed, and Cas had changed the channel 6 times. At one point he accidently clicked on a live broadcasting church, that time he changed the channel before Jody could process what it was. Afterwards he watched a few minutes of a doctor show he knew Dean enjoyed. It wasn’t his favorite but he would always watch it for Dean. Dean wasn’t there with him. He glanced down at the empty couch seat beside him, wishing Dean would appear there.   
After half an hour of flipping channels Jody was done observing Cas experimentation with the TV.   
“Alright” Jody said, standing up from her recliner “Claire will be home soon so I’m going to start dinner, you need anything?”  
Cas barely noticed her talking, as he was back to the guide, he appeared almost frantic while he scanned the channels.   
“Cas”  
“Oh- no I’m okay. I will accept a bowl of whatever you are making though”  
Jody nodded, slightly confused but too tired to ask for an explanation. She headed for the kitchen as Cas stared intently at the TV. She stopped in the doorway and glanced back towards the couch.   
“Cowboys” Cas muttered to himself, there was a hint of achievement in his voice, as if that’s what he had been searching for. Jody squinted to the TV reading the title of what he had chosen to watch next. Brokeback Mountain displayed across the bottom of the screen as Cas selected it. Jody considered intervening, knowing the ending of the movie would not sit well with Cas. Once she looked closer and saw the anticipation on Cas’ face, she knew she couldn’t tell him to change it. She half hoped he would go back to channel surfing and only watch the first five minutes. Sighing with worry, Jody retreated into the kitchen.   
…


	3. Heartbreak Hotel

Jody was still working on dinner when the meltdown begun. Her first instinct to loud outbursts of shouting was that a fight had broken out in her living room. Perhaps someone had attacked Cas? She reacted quickly, grabbing her gun and making her way towards the other room. She rounded the corner to see a lone distraught Cas shouting at her television. The only sign of a ‘fight’ was her coffee table being flipped over. Jody lowered her weapon, realizing the only fight occurring here was one within Cas. The TV screen was displaying credits as Cas continued to scream obscenities at it.   
“Cas?” Jody very carefully questioned.  
“Jody! Have you seen this movie?” Cas said very seriously, his finger was pointing directly to the TV. The credits of Brokeback Mountain were scrolling along the television.   
“Yes, Cas I have.” Jody responded, still looking at Cas with worry.  
“It’s despicable.” Cas snarled. He aggressively hit the power off button on the remote and returned to his seat on the couch. “Who would write an ending like that?” Cas shouted up at the television.   
“You know, I don’t remember the movie all that well” Jody said, definitely lying but for the right reason. “Why don’t you tell me about it?” Jody sat beside Cas on the couch, still leaving room in case he had another outburst.   
“Well at first it was all cowboys. Then I realized it was a perfect love story and they seemed like they could really be happy together. Something always stopped them and I couldn’t understand why they couldn’t just be happy together. Next thing they knew it was too late. Now what? He’s dead and he’s just supposed to live on without him? Why couldn’t they get their happy ending?” Cas spoke nearly too fast for Jody to understand but she understood the main idea of what Cas was rambling on about. “They deserved a happy ending” Cas said sternly.  
“You’re right,” Jody started “We all deserve a happy ending.” She leaned her head slightly hoping Cas would understand what she meant.  
“This isn’t about any of us. I’m talking about the film.” Cas responded in a blank tone.  
“But don’t you feel like you can relate to the film, maybe that makes it more upsetting when it doesn’t end well” Jody explained.  
Cas’ eyes darted around as he seemed to calculate the information Jody had presented. She watched as his face went through the seven stages of grief and back to calculating and confusion. Jody could’ve sworn Cas ran an entire marathon in his head before he was able to respond to her.   
“Why” was all he could get out after all of the buildup.   
“Why what?” Jody responded.  
“Why would I relate to that film?”   
Jody froze for a moment not wanting to step on a bomb in this minefield of a conversation. “Well” Jody thought for a moment “I know that Dean likes cowboys”   
Cas nodded, lowering his head in thought. Jody sat and watched as the impact of her statement fell over Cas.   
“He doesn’t want anyone to know about me” Cas said in a broken voice. “He will be upset that you know”   
“Cas, I’ve known long before this” Jody said softly, Cas eyes darted up to hers “Most of us have known”   
“How?” Cas adjusted in his seat, focused for Jody’s response.  
“There’s a lot to it and in reality it doesn’t matter” Jody shrugged “But I’ve seen in it your eyes, and in his eyes too.” Cas nodded accepting Jody's simplification. Cas thought for a moment longer before he continued.  
“If he cares for me,” Cas started, struggling to finish his sentence without his emotions boiling out “Why won't he let people know”  
“It’s not my place to tell you everything, but there are reasons Dean is scared to be himself. He needs to heal, Cas.” Jody tried to be as gentle as possible but Cas still looked very distressed.   
Their conversation was cut short by a clearly worked up Claire pushing her way in through the front door. She huffed loudly as she threw her bag onto an end table. Claire quickly through herself into the recliner, moments later becoming aware of Cas’ presence.  
“Hello Claire” Cas said in his typical low monotone voice. Claire detected the hint of heartbreak in his voice that he had desperately tried to hide.  
“Cas?” Claire said “What are you doing here?” She sat forward in her seat, wishing she could be happy to see him, but she knew something had to be wrong if he wasn’t with Dean.  
“I’m uhm.. Visiting.” Cas said. The lie did not come out naturally.  
“Is Dean with you?” Claire asked. Jody shot her a look, clearly telling Claire to be cautious with how she spoke.  
“No” Cas spat out. “And he never will be.”  
The anger in Cas’ statement filled the room, causing an awkward silence that didn’t seem to bother Cas. Jody and Claire exchanged a few communicative looks, planning their next steps. Jody slowly stood up, dusting her pants off with her hands in the process.   
“Well” Jody started in an awkward tone “I’m going to go finish up dinner”   
As Jody retreated around the corner, Claire leaned in focused on Cas. Cas sat with his hands laying in his lap, head down staring at his palms.   
“Alright you gotta tell me what’s going on” Claire said, leaning her head with a hint of pity for Cas and his clear heartbreak.


	4. HIM

Hours had passed and Dean still sat alone at the kitchen table. He had tried everything to try and track Cas without letting anyone know that he had ran off. Cas’ phone was shut off and the GPS signal from the tracker on his car went out. Dean thought Cas didn’t know about the tracker but the more he thought about it, he realized Cas knew about the tracker and had kept it there for Dean. Dean sat with his face resting in his palms. A weight on his shoulders made it too difficult to stay awake, but guilt jerked him awake every time he thought he was going to get sleep. He was half unconscious on the table when his phone’s loud ringtone made him shoot up.

_Sam. He’s going to have questions. Questions I can’t answer. Or won’t answer._

With a loud sigh, Dean answered the phone and brought it to his ear.

“Yeah” Dean said, “What’s up” Dean had always been good at hiding his pain from Sam, but this time no matter how hard he tried, Sam could hear it in his voice.

“Is Cas back yet?” Sam asked “He isn’t answering his phone”

Dean pressed on the bridge of his nose while considering how to answer this without starting a conversation he desperately wanted to avoid.

“He uh, yeah he’s home now” Dean clumsily lied.

“Could I talk to him?” Sam asked, clearly not buying his lies.

The silence on Dean’s end of the phone confirmed all of Sam’s suspicions. There was a few more seconds of silence before Sam finally broke it.

“Okay, so Cas isn’t there…”

“No… uhm he isn’t” Dean said in a low defeated voice.

“Okay then I’m headed back.” Sam said.

“No, no, you stay with Eileen. Enjoy your time.” Dean replied. A part of him wanted Sam to come back to the bunker. He hated the cold loneliness that was hanging in the air around him. At the same time Dean didn’t think he could handle facing Sam right now. The loneliness felt easier and safer than being vulnerable.

_You can’t let Sammy see you like this. You’re a soldier, those tears are pathetic._

“If you don’t tell me what’s going on with you and Cas then I will drive home right now and make you tell me.”

Dean took a deep breath, weighing the pros and cons in his head. He could come up with a lie and hope Sam believes him. He could tell him the truth just so he knew Sam wouldn’t come home.

“What do you want to know man?” Dean asked, delaying the inevitable.

“Start from the beginning.”


	5. All My Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashback to Dean and Cas' vacation together before their fight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter will be in two parts because i had a rough day today and cant focus enough to finish it. Next half should be up tomorrow.

**Six Days Earlier – Wichita, Kansas. Drury Plaza Hotel**

“Good Morning, Dean” Cas said softly, trying not to wake Dean too quickly. Over the years, Cas learned there were a few ways to wake Dean without him pulling a weapon on you. The easiest one was to talk to him, very quietly. This also helped Dean fall asleep on occasion. Cas would tell Dean stories of heaven from when he was a soldier. He would describe to him what the first flower looked like, the first sunset and the first storm. Most people would find it awkward to talk to someone who was asleep, Cas didn’t. All Cas cared about was making sure he woke up peacefully. He would never run out stories to tell Dean, after all he had been alive for eons.

“Mornin Cas” Dean said in a low grumble. He stretched out his shoulders as he blinked away the sleep in his eyes.

Cas pulled the blanket over his shoulders, admiring the fine stitching of the comforter. Dean rolled onto his side, now facing Cas directly.

“How are we going to spend our last day of our first real vacation Cas?” Dean asked, his voice was low and grumbly, clear evidence that he was still half asleep. Cas was slightly propped up with the pillow, admiring Dean.

Cas had just opened his mouth to respond when he was cut off by the sound of Dean’s phone ringing. Dean sleepily rolled over, grabbing his phone and checking the caller ID.

“It’s Sam” He said to Cas. He considered for a moment before answering the phone.

“Hello” Dean grumbled.

“It’s 11:30 dude, are you still in bed?” Sam asked, noticing the sleepiness in his voice.

“Yeah, and?” Dean responded.

Cas leaned towards Dean from his place on the bed before saying “He slept for nearly twelve hours.”

“Hey Cas, I’m surprised Dean’s letting you near him, he hasn’t had his coffee yet. I could go ahead and guess he’s hungover from a strip club and doesn’t want anyone near him. ” Sam laughed into the phone.

A panic began to grow in Dean’s chest he wanted their conversation to end. He had told Sam they got separate hotel rooms for ‘Privacy Reasons’. But the reality was Dean and Cas were sharing a hotel room, and a hotel bed.

“Yeah, not by choice” Dean added, hoping to throw Sam off the trail. Cas lowered his head slightly, trying not to let Dean’s words bother him.

Sam and Dean’s conversation carried on to be about driving down to see Garth and his family for Thanksgiving. As the conversation dragged on Dean eventually laid down with his eyes closed while talking. Unconsciously, he rested his hand over Cas’, rubbing his thumb in circles around his palm. Cas stared longingly up at Dean’s freckled cheeks, he wanted to freeze this moment and take the time to count each individual freckle on his beautiful face. Cas took in the comfort of having Dean’s hand rest in his so peacefully. It felt like trust and warmth.

“Okay.” “Alright, bye Sammy” Dean said before hanging up the phone.

Dean rolled back onto to his side to face Cas. Cas was still staring at him with such wonder and admiration.

“What’s that look for?” Dean asked, immediately going on defense.

“It’s a look of admiration, Dean” Cas said, tilting his head.

Dean’s eyes avoided Cas’, hesitant to accept the compliment. He let himself smile slightly before rolling over and exiting the bed. Dean walked over to the blinds and threw them open, welcoming the sunlight. Cas had watched Dean wake up many times, but these last few days Dean woke up brighter, happier. He seemed at peace, finally.


	6. All My Love, Part 2

Dean and Cas spent their final day of vacation dragging each other around to see their polar opposite interests. They took turns of course, Dean wanted to see The Old Cow Town, with everything cowboys. However, Cas wanted to go see the Botanica, The Wichita Gardens. Dean was hesitant at first but ended up loving the garden more than Cas did. They found a nice bench beside a bush of magenta azaleas. Dean would never tell anyone this, but those were in fact his favorite flower. The two of them sat for a moment in silence. Not awkward silence or tense silence, but peaceful silence. A small bumble bee circled Cas for a moment before landing on his shoulder. Dean tensed up; his first reaction was to swat it away from him.

“No, Dean. It’s alright.” Cas said in a calm voice, not wanting to startle the bee. Cas lifted up his hand to his shoulder, guiding the bee onto his fingers. “The bees and I know we won’t hurt each other.”

“Hold out your hand” Cas said to Dean. Dean looked taken back but after a moment stretched out his hand, trusting Cas fully. Cas gently guided the bee into Dean’s palm. Dean stared down into his hand, his instinct to harm the bee slowly faded away from him. He watched closely as the bee investigated his hand.

“See?” Cas said gently “He means no harm.”

Dean let himself smile for a moment, admiring the bright yellow and solid black lines across the bee’s fluffy back. After looking around for a moment, Dean reached his hand out toward the azalea bush. The bumble bee slowly situated itself onto a petal. Dean resituated in his seat and held out a hand to Cas. Gently, Cas let his hand intertwine with Dean’s. They both let the sun shine over them as they sat there, taking in the moment. Was this the life they were missing the whole time?

…

There were many choices for bars in Wichita, but Dean needed to find the right one. After nearly an hour of dragging Cas around town checking out bars, he finally chose one. It was the oldest, rattiest looking one. Half of their windows had been boarded up, most likely broken in bar fights. Just as Cas and Dean entered in through the front door, the overwhelming smell of cheap mozzarella sticks filled the air.

“Hell yeah” Dean said, nodding his head in approval. “I got to get me some of those” Dean motioned to the nearest table where a mountain of mozzarella sticks sat.

Cas took a brief moment just to look at Dean. His face was lit up with joy and excitement in a way that Cas had only seen a handful of times. The childlike nature in Dean’s bright green eyes was all Cas could see in a room full of people.

“Nice.” Dean motioned across the room to a juke box beside the bar.

Before another moment could pass, Dean was making his way to the juke box. Cas had to speed walk to keep up with him. Dean reached the juke box and stared at it with wonder and joy. He began reading options as Cas watched closely over his shoulder. Dean noticed Cas and quickly hid the songs with his hands.

“No cheating” Dean said in a jokingly serious voice.

“How is watching you cheating?”

“It’s a surprise.” Dean said softly, he motioned for Cas to take a step back while he finished selecting the song. Moments later, Cas heard the start of a very familiar song.

_“Should I fall out of love, my fire in the light_

_To chase a feather in the wind”_

Dean leaned against the bar, smirking to Cas. Cas nodded in response, knowing the song he chose by heart. It was the 13th track on the mixtape Dean had gifted him years ago. _All My Love_ by Led Zeppelin.

“And you still claim you aren’t a hopeless romantic.” Cas said, raising his eyebrows to Dean.

Dean quickly rolled his eyes and reached out his hands to Cas’ tie. He began readjusting it, as it always seemed to be lopsided. “What can I say, I guess I know how to treat a man” Dean gently laid his tie in place, leaving his hand there for an extra moment. “Drinks?”

“That would be nice.” Cas said while bowing his head slightly, hoping to hide his blushed cheeks. Dean swiftly threw his arm around Cas and they headed for the bar. With his free arm, Dean motioned for the bartender, before the two of them took a seat.

“Yeah uh, he’ll take three shots of tequila-” Dean started

“Are you sure?” The bartender asked, shocked by the idea of anyone starting out with three shots.

“Oh trust me, he’s got a high tolerance” Dean laughed, “And I’ll take” Dean paused, he was going to order whiskey but he spotted someone else’s drink from across the bar “What’s that?”

“It’s our special, it’s lemonade, vodka and sprite with sugar on the rim.”

“Yeah, I’ll take one of those.” Dean smirked.

The drinks arrived quickly, and the two of them finished them within a few minutes. Dean knew he wouldn’t be able to order enough alcohol to get Cas actually drunk, but of course he packed a flask. Time passed and they downed drink after drink. Hours had passed, but to them it felt like only minutes. They had moved from the bar seats to a cozy booth in the corner, sitting together on one side of the table. Cas finally started to feel something after drinking about two bottles to himself. Dean did have to make a run to the car to refill the flask for him a few times. The bartender had served him nearly ten shots when she said she wouldn’t serve him anymore, despite him being mostly sober. Cas imagined humans would describe this level of drunk as ‘just passed tipsy’. They filled their time exchanging stories and laughing loud enough that even though the bar was packed full of loud customers, the whole bar could hear them laugh. They didn’t care though, hell they barely realized there was people around them.

Dean found himself staring into Cas’ eyes, instantly forgetting whatever nonsense they had been discussing. Oh how he loved those icy blue eyes. He took a moment just to appreciate the blessing that it was to be here, with him. Reaching out his hand, Dean held the side of Cas’ face, gently pulling him close. Dean laid a gentle kiss on Cas’ cheek. Cas closed his eyes for a short moment, absorbing the warmth of Dean’s touch.

“What would I do with out you Cas?”

Cas smiled and finished off the rest of his flask. He wondered if Dean wanted a real answer to that question, but decided it was most likely a rhetorical question.

“You think I can convince her to give us more shots?” Dean asked, stumbling over his words slightly from the drinks.

“I could definitely go for more.” Cas said, slightly shrugging his shoulders.

“Alright” Dean responded, he patted Cas’ leg slightly before exiting the booth and heading for the bar.

The bar was crowded and full of life. Dean had to weave in between people to reach the counter. At this point the bartender was too overwhelmed to know who she had served what, which was perfect for Dean. He ordered a couple drinks for him and Cas so he wouldn’t have to make the trip back to the counter. Dean glanced back to where Cas sat at the booth as a heavy hand landed sharply on his shoulder. The impact of the hand made Dean jump, as he spun around to see a familiar face. As Dean made eye contact, he straightened his back, tensing his arms. He was not met with a friendly face. In that moment Dean felt like a child again. A hopeless child. Fear made its way up Dean’s throat, preventing him from speaking. Every particle of peace Dean had felt in the moments before now disappeared in the blink of an eye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the cliff hanger but the next chapter should be up tomorrow!


	7. Straight To Hell

Dean froze in his place, paralyzed with fear. If anything could sober someone up in 10 seconds, this was it.

“You’re John Winchester’s boy, aren’t you?” The man said, leaning in close. Dean was tall, but this man made even him feel short. Dean hadn’t seen him in over twenty years, but he could never forget his cold empty eyes.

“Roy?” Dean asked, his voice shaking. Dean darted his eyes down and then across the room to Cas and back up to Roy. Roy’s hand was still sitting heavily on Dean’s shoulder. Roy was an old hunting buddy of John’s. Most of the men John hunted with had a soft spot for Sam and Dean, more so than John himself. Roy wasn’t the same way.

“Still hunting, kid?” Roy asked, patting Dean’s shoulder before crossing his arms.

“Uhm, yeah yeah” Dean said, nervously scratching his cheek “Kind of taking a breather at the moment but I’m still on the job.” A piece of Dean told him to run, run to Cas and get the hell out. Yet he remained frozen face to face with Roy.

“Well, what brings you to Wichita boy?”

“On a little solo vacation, you know everyone needs a little time off” Dean struggled to hide his nervousness while lying to Roy. Just before Roy could respond to Dean’s explanation of his ‘solo vacation’, the bartender gave Dean two jumbo sized margaritas each paired with an additional shot of tequila. Dean sighed slightly realizing his lie, was quite obviously a lie.

“Found a date, huh?” Roy asked, raising his eyebrows to Dean “What’s her name?”

“Dean” Cas said, seemingly appearing behind Dean “What is taking so long?” Cas’ words slurred together, obviously feeling the effects of the alcohol. Dean took a small step away from Cas, putting a clear space between them. Roy didn’t seem fazed by Cas’ presence, which sent Dean into a deeper panic. Cas quickly noticed Roy’s presence, and sensed how tense Dean was. Roy’s eyes scanned Cas with a clear distain.

“Uhm Cas, this is Roy. Roy this is Cas.” Dean said, clearly uncomfortable.

“You a hunter, Cas?” Roy asked, staring at Cas directly.

“You could say that” Cas said, squinting at Roy.

“Yes, yes Cas is one of Sam and I’s hunter friends” Dean said. Cas’ eyes shot over to Dean.

“No offence there, Cas, but you don’t read like a hunter. You’re a little too… soft.” Roy said, his arms still crossed and eyebrows raised.

Cas quickly grew defensive from Roy’s words, his fists clenched at his sides.

“I prefer you call me Castiel” Cas said in a serious tone, very briefly glowing his eyes that bright blue between blinks.

“What in the hell?” Roy started.

Dean reached out a hand blocking the two from getting any closer to each other “He’s just a work friend” Dean said to Roy “He’s on our side.” Cas no longer felt angry towards Roy. Cas stared at Dean with pain in his eyes.

 _‘Just a work friend’_ rang in Cas’ head. Cas swiftly reached behind Dean, grabbing both tequila shots from the counter and downing them one after the other. Without a second thought, Cas headed for the exit, quickly pushing through the crowd. Dean watched him leave, desperate to stop him, but completely unable to. Roy stood there, completely silent, staring down Dean.

Dean hesitated for a moment, his eyes switching between Cas and Roy. “I, uhm, I should check on him, he’s pretty drunk” Dean said, motioning towards the door Cas had just exited through. Roy stayed silent and watched as Dean made his way outside. 

The night air was ice cold and unforgiving. A thin layer of ice was forming on the pavement as a thick fog rolled in. A singular street light provided an insignificant amount of light for the parking lot. Dean scanned the parking lot from just outside the bar. How had Cas disappeared into the night so quickly?

“Cas!” Dean shouted as he walked around the corner of the building. They had parked in the back of the restaurant so Dean figured Cas had headed for the Impala. “Cas!” Dean repeated, this time a crack hit his voice in the middle of shouting, clearly displaying his distress. Just as Dean was passing the dumpster, he felt a sharp pain through his back and he was quickly thrown onto the brick wall beside him. The rough texture of the old bricks scrapped against Dean’s cheek as he felt a familiar cold metal press against the back of his neck. This situation wasn’t new to Dean. Time and time again he had found himself trapped and facing his mortality. This time felt different. He was afraid. Not ready to die. Not when he had just begun truly living.

“Dean. Winchester.” Roy growled into his ear, pushing his gun harder against Dean’s neck. “If John could see you now”

Dean took a deep breath, accepting that Roy wouldn’t hesitate to pull the trigger.

“You hear me boy?!” Roy shouted directly into Dean’s ear. Roy let out a small evil laugh, finding Dean’s fear entertaining. He lowered his voice and moved in closer to Dean’s ear “You think I didn’t see you two? I saw you; I saw all of it Dean, and John would want me to do something about that. Where did he go wrong for you to end up like this?”

“Go to hell” is all Dean could get out without his voice wavering. Roy swiftly lifted his gun and swung it down onto the side of Dean’s head. Dean attempted to cover his pain and barely let out a painful sigh. A small trail of blood trickled down Dean’s neck as Roy kicked the back of Dean’s leg. Dean fell to his knees, just as Roy struck his cheek with the side of his gun. Dean wanted to fight him, the rage inside him wanted to explode. Instead, he stayed down in the mud, like he would as a child. John had taught him to be a perfect fighter, an indestructible soldier; unless John was the attacker. If John was angry, and boy did he get angry, Dean knew he would be better off taking the beating than attempting to stop it.

Roy grabbed Dean by the collar of his shirt and pulled him up. “I’m not going to kill you, Dean. I’m just going to put the fear of god in you.” Roy’s breath reeked of cheap beer and unbrushed teeth as he spat at Dean. “You ever come back to Wichita, then, then I will kill you. You hear me?” Dean didn’t want to accept Roy’s threat but the childlike fear in his chest forced him to nod his head. Just as Dean nodded, Roy threw him down onto the ground into a small puddle. Roy quickly walked away, not afraid of turning his back on Dean. Seemingly every hunter on the planet knew it was a bad idea to turn your back on Dean Winchester, but Roy knew he had poked at a fear so deep within Dean, that Dean couldn’t fight back. The look in Dean’s eyes was the same as the one he had at age 16, the last time Roy had seen him.

Roy had been gone for nearly five minutes before Dean dared to stand up from the ground. The start of tears built up in Dean’s eyes, but he shook his head, refusing to let himself feel the effects of what had just happened.

_Cas… Where is Cas?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If any one has noticed, all the chapters are named after songs or films. This one is 'Straight To Hell' by Hollerado.   
> Also Roy is an original character in case anyone was curious.


	8. Let's Hurt Tonight

Dean practically ran to the Impala, terrified that something had happened to Cas. As he rounded the corner, he saw Cas angrily leaned against the Impala. His arms were crossed and his head was lowered.

“Oh thank god” Dean muttered, he cringed a moment later, uncomfortable with his word choice. “Cas” Dean said walking directly to his side “You scared me to death” Cas avoided Dean’s eye contact and kept his arms crossed defensively.

“I’d like to go back to the bunker now” Cas said, showing zero emotion.

“What?”

“Now” Cas said, throwing the Impala door open and slamming it behind him.

Dean sighed and went to the driver’s side, joining Cas in the car. “Cas it’s a three-hour drive and I’m barely in any shape to drive” Dean explained. Cas refused to acknowledge his argument and stared out his window in silence. The beginning of rain fell down Cas’ window as Dean turned over the engine. Cas hadn’t looked at Dean long enough to notice the dried stream of blood along his cheek or the matching one on the back of his neck.

Dean wasn’t one to drive slowly, but he barely hit the speed limit the whole drive home. Cas sat in the same position for the entire drive; body slanted towards the door, forehead nearly touching the cold window. The music was on loud enough for Cas not to hear Dean’s sniffling. He tried his hardest not to cry but a few tears rolled down his cheek, mixing with the dried blood still stuck to his cheek. There were a few times Dean considered saying something to Cas, anything really. Dean couldn’t bear it when Cas ignored him. Nonetheless, Dean remained silent. When they finally reached the bunker, Cas’ door was open before the Impala came to a complete stop.

Dean also quickly jumped out of the car, hoping to keep up with Cas.

“Cas.” Dean said quietly and defeated. Maybe Cas didn’t hear him, maybe he did and chose to ignore him. Either way Cas, disappeared into the bunker. Dean locked the Impala behind him and retreated into the bunker. He stopped in the bathroom and used a warm cloth to wipe the blood from his face and neck. Dean took a moment and stared into the mirror.

_“If John could see you now.”_

_“Where did he go wrong for you to end up like this?”_

Dean could still taste the mix of dirt and blood from being thrown on the ground. It was bitter and unsettling. Dean cupped his hands under the faucet and filled his mouth with clean water before rinsing his face. Dean lowered his head, holding his cheeks with both hands. Any attempt at self-soothing failed. His hands rapidly shook as he lowered them from his face. He couldn’t bare to look back up into the mirror.

Roy had always been an obsessively arrogant person. He would frequently ‘preach’ to Sam and Dean about sin when they were kids. Every time he did, it read more as a threat than it did a sermon. Each aggressive speech of his always seemed focused on Dean. Roy was ruthless and angry. Compared to Roy, John was gentle.

Dean finally looked up from the sink, staring directly back at himself.

_It was the beginning of 8 th grade. Dean didn’t go to 8th grade all that much, he spent most days trying to find ways to scrape together enough money for each week’s meals. John hadn’t been back to their current motel in over a month. Usually when he was gone for that long he would send a hunter friend to check on Sam and Dean. When Dean would attend school, he only ever talked to one other kid. Everyone in his classes thought he never spoke. Dean always made sure to keep up his ‘cool quiet kid in the corner’ persona. That is, until he ‘accidentally’ made friends with the ‘book worm in the corner’ kid. Dean was always hesitant to make friends at any of his schools, for obvious reasons. Dean finally let himself go for once. Every day after school, when Dean would attend, the two of them would walk down to the river behind the motel. First of course, Dean would walk Sam to the motel room, insuring he was safe. Afterwards he would join his friend down at the river. Sometimes they would talk and other times they would read silently. Dean preferred the reading so that he wouldn’t have to lie to him about his life._

_Nearly two months passed without John, and Dean had become more comfortable spending more time with his friend. A mistake that was._

_Dean was propped up against a tree blissfully reading ‘Fried Green Tomatoes at The Whistle Stop Café’. His friend sat opposite to him admiring the river flowing beside them. Without warning Roy was standing beside Dean. Out of everyone who could’ve arrived to check on Sam and Dean, John had sent Roy._

_Roy didn’t wait for an explanation; his fists were flying before Dean could process who he was. Dean’s first reaction was to scream for his friend to leave. Roy was screaming obscenities that Dean could barely hear from the blood pooling into his ears. Even without hearing him, Dean knew what he was saying. To this day Dean can’t remember his friend’s name. Roy had beat it out of him. Dean never returned to the river._

Tears were now streaming down Dean’s face as he stared himself down in the mirror. His lip shook as he tried to contain himself. He wanted to be stronger, as if that would make him feel better. Time was frozen for a moment as his head spun and thoughts raced.

Dean took a moment to contain himself before heading for his bedroom. He knew Cas was mad but a piece of him hoped Cas would still talk to him so he could sleep. Dean knew with everything on his mind, he would not fall asleep on his own. He needed Cas there. Dean opened his bedroom door expecting to see Cas listening to music or fluffing pillows. Instead, he was met with Cas collecting stuff from around the room. He held a singular pillow, a beat-up CD player, a stack of CD’s and his robe.

“What are you doing Cas?” Dean asked; his eyes wide and glazed with confusion and fear. Cas didn’t own much, but everything he did was now in his arms, prepared for departure. Cas stared down at his feet, thinking before answering Dean.

“When will I be enough for you Dean?” Cas muttered “When will you stop introducing me as your ‘work friend’?” Cas finally looked up at Dean, staring directly into his eyes with hurt.

“Cas I-” Dean started, his voice shaking.

“Dean,” Cas started, this time loud and direct “Sam doesn’t even know about us, Jody doesn’t. Claire doesn’t. When will I be more than your secret? If you truly care about me. No. If you truly loved me, I wouldn’t be a secret.” By the end of his sentence Cas was nearly shouting.

“Cas please, quiet down. I, I can explain” Dean tried to settle Cas which seemed to act like gasoline on a fire.

“What? You don’t want Sam to hear us?” Cas asked, tilting his head, daring Dean to confirm that he didn’t want Sam to hear them.

Something snapped in Dean, he no longer wanted to beg for forgiveness or comfort. His mind went into defense mode, fight mode. He couldn’t let anyone see him this vulnerable. He needed to scream and yell and push anyone, and everyone away.

“You know what Cas” Dean shouted.

“What Dean, what could you possibly have to say” Cas shouted back, nearly matching Dean’s rage.

“I don’t owe you anything.” Dean hissed “You aren’t my ‘boyfriend’” Dean mocked “Stop convincing yourself that you are. This” Dean motioned between the two of them “It was a mistake. That’s it.” Before Cas could even respond to Dean’s attack, Dean left his bedroom, slamming the door behind him.

Cas stood, alone, holding his belongings in his arms. Frozen in place, wishing Dean would rush back into the room. That he would apologize, he would run into Cas’ arms and profess his love. But the door remained closed, Dean wasn’t going to come back and he certainly wasn’t going to apologize.

Dean still stood on the other side of his door, staring down at the handle. A piece of him wanted Cas to come out looking for him. He wanted Cas to say he knew Dean’s words were lies, that what they had was real. The handle didn’t move, and Cas didn’t chase him down. Eventually Dean retreated to the kitchen. Defeated, Dean grabbed a bottle from the pantry.

Dean sat mindlessly downing drink after drink at the kitchen table. Nearly half an hour had passed when he heard movement in the bunker. Dean walked out to the main room just as Cas was walking up the staircase.

“Cas” Dean said softly. Cas finished climbing the staircase before turning back to Dean.

“Goodbye, Dean” Cas said, looking to Dean for a moment before turning to the door and leaving. The slam of the door echoed through the bunker for a moment, followed by deafening silence.


	9. Stupid Deep

…

“And just like that he was, gone” Dean sighed into the phone “His GPS is shut off, same with his phone man.”

“Have you called anyone to ask if they’ve seen him? He could be staying with someone.” Sam inquired.

Dean sat silent for a moment on the other end of the phone. “No, I uh- I haven’t called anyone, I mean they’ll have questions you know”

“Really Dean?” Sam said and paused for a moment “No one is going to be confused, you two are basically always chasing each other, when are the both of you going to stop running? Just relax for once, be together. Enjoy the time we have”

Dean gulped, struggling to accept the advice his brother was giving. How could he let himself go? The many walls built up inside him felt indestructible. He reached for the whiskey bottle sitting across from him on the table, but stopped a moment later. Sighing, he put the cap on the bottle, pushing it away from him.

“Listen man, I’m gonna hit the hay.” Dean said into the phone, staring down at his feet.

“Okay, but Dean, please take my advice. You deserve to be happy” Sam said sympathetically. The line cut out just after his sentence, a clear indicator that Dean wasn’t accepting his advice.

Dean held the phone against his forehead pensively. Moments later he threw it clear across the room. It slammed against the wall and fell to the ground. An uncontrollable anger was growing in Dean’s stomach. He didn’t want to be angry. He pushed it down and down but it just grew stronger. Soon he was out of his seat pacing the kitchen aggressively. The fire in his chest grew uncontrollable as he grabbed the vase from the kitchen counter and slammed it against the wall. It shattered into pieces, one shard sticking directly into Dean’s palm. In the same moment Dean kicked a dining room chair, breaking it down the center. An animalistic angry scream came from Dean’s mouth. All of his anger, hurt, and regrets came out with the scream. He ripped the glass out of his hand and turned to the wall. Punch after punch landed against the wall. His hands were taking more damage than the wall itself, but he didn’t stop.

Flashes of John’s face is all Dean could see. He could hear his father’s shouting insults. Dean could feel each healed bruise John had left him years in the past. Dean had always blamed himself. He thought if he had done better, listened better, worked harder, then John wouldn’t have treated him that way. But Dean finally let go, in this moment he saw the truth. John had done him wrong. Dean was a kid. Just a kid.

Dean’s fist paused midair, frozen by his realization. His eyes quickly filled with tears, spilling over the edge down his red-hot cheeks. He choked down a sob before breaking down. His legs felt weak beneath him as his painful sobs broke out of his chest. Falling to the ground, Dean let himself go.

His knees were to his chest as he leaned to the wall for support. He crossed his arms across his knees, hoping to find some comfort from feeling like he was being hugged. However, it just reminded him that no one was there to hug him.

His fists were bleeding and staining his jeans as tears dropped onto the collar of his shirt. He attempted to contain himself, taking a few deep breaths, each which came out like he was suffocating. Dean leaned his head back, looking straight up towards the overhead light. A large tear dropped out of his eye, reflecting the bright light above.

In one low breath Dean whispered, “Cas… I’m so sorry”, his voice breaking with desperation.

…

“So, he refuses to tell people you guys are together?” Claire asks Cas for clarification.

“He wont even admit to me that we are together Claire, he called us a _mistake”_ Cas responded, his head lowered, staring at his palms.

“To be honest I thought you guys were together this whole time, I mean the eye contact, the excessive touching, the sound of your voices when the other one is hurt. Its all-pretty homo erotic if I have a say” Claire said. There was a hint of a laugh in her voice but she attempted to stay sympathetic. Cas turned his face to her tilting his head slightly and squinting. “So what made him flip out? I mean you said it was a perfect get away vacay, what changed?” Claire asked from across the couch.

“I- I don’t know.” Cas answered, “There was this man, Roy, at the bar, he was very, aggressive.” Cas paused and looked down towards the couch “he didn’t like me”

Claire froze for a moment as she put two and two together. Her heart sank with the name Roy. Dean had confided in her; in fact, she was the only one Dean had talked to about John. It was shortly after Claire and Kaia were together, that Dean felt comfortable enough to tell her about John and Roy’s attempts to change Dean.

“Oh.. Cas. Uhm” Claire thought for a moment, her eyes darting around searching for words. “Did anything happen? I mean did you ask him if he was okay after this happened?”

“No, why would I? It was just one his hunter friends.” Cas said, confused on where Claire was going with her questions.

“That wasn’t his friend Cas, that was one of John’s friends” Claire explained. She watched as the weight of her sentence fell over Cas.

“John.” Cas growled under his breath, his fists clenched in his lap and his eyes flashed bright blue light for a moment. “I understand”

“Cas” Claire said “It’s worse than you think. That man…he’s worse than John.”

“Do…” Cas paused, clearing his throat “Do you think he saw Dean and I?” Cas searched his mind, recalling that night. At the time he thought Dean’s nervousness was because he didn’t want anyone to know about him. He now saw the nervousness was a deep fear of the man in front of them. Cas remembered getting in the impala and never bothering to look at Dean. He remembered their argument, when Cas finally looked up to Dean, he saw bruising along his cheek bone. Cas didn’t take the time to ask what had happened. The reality of what happened that night sunk over Cas.

“Dinner” Jody shouted from the other room. Claire stood up, waiting to see if Cas would join.

“Are you coming to the table?” Claire asked carefully.

“Yes… yes I will join you” Cas said, nodding his head and following behind Claire into the dining room.

The dining room table was a warm dark brown; Cas thought it was beautiful. If you asked him, the table was a high-end piece of artistic furniture, the reality was Jody got it from a thrift store and it was one of the cheapest tables on the market. The nails holding it together were rusted and poking out on the edges. If you weren’t careful when moving it, you would definitely end up with a few cuts or splinters. The wood had lost most of its protective coating and left a dry exterior. Three forest green table clothes sat on the table, a perfect paring with the natural dark wood colors. Speckles of water stains and scratches coated the center of the table. Nonetheless, it was beautiful to Cas. A candle sat in the very middle of the table, perfectly aligned with the chandelier that hung from the ceiling.

Cas paused beside his chair, staring down admiring the table. Jody and Claire were already seated, watching Cas stare intensely at the table. A smile grew across Cas’ face as he got further lost in his head. Cas softly moved his hand along the edge of the table, feeling each inconsistency.

“Cas?” Jody said softly “You okay?”

“Yes, I am. This is just a beautiful table.” Cas said, smiling peacefully as he sat in his chair. Claire and Jody exchanged confused expressions as they both knew the table was not in the best shape. Cas looked down to his plate, where a pile of French fries sat along side a homemade burger. Without thinking twice Cas began eating, confusing Jody and Claire further. The two of them sat silently for a moment, watching Cas like he was an alien.

Claire finally broke the silence. “Uhm Cas? Not to be rude but, why are you eating?”

Cas finished chewing while he held his finger over his mouth. “Dean he uh, he really likes to cook. I’ve learned to appreciate the combination of all of the ingredients. They always tasted like molecules, but Dean taught me how to enjoy it.” Cas smiled down at the burger in his hands before biting it once again.

Jody accepted his response and began eating with him. Cas was nearly finished before Jody or Claire could make a dent in their food.

Cas was quickly finished his food. He leaned back in his chair slightly, his hands sitting on either side of his plate. He felt at home, warm, at peace. Well, almost. There was only one thing missing.

Cas looked up admiring the intricate chandelier that hung above him. The light reflected perfectly off the glass panels and onto Cas’ blue eyes. A wave came over him as he heard

 _“Cas… I’m so sorry”_ echo through his head. Dean’s prayer was a soft wave that overtook Cas’ mind.

Dean’s voice sounded desperate and tired; pained.


End file.
